lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
