i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
