Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
