Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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