Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
