Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
