I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just pee around me
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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