why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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