i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
