Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
