turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
