I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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