I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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