While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
