Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
