I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
