thus making me awesome and them whores
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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