If i come over, it means nothing
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
