so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
