I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
