We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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