if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
