dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
