He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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