i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
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