Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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