Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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