Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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