I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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