the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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