i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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