If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
