my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
