I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
