Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
