Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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