I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
