his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
