my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I need a burrito and a hug.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
