Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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