i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
