You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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