Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My life is pants optional.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
