guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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