i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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