Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I don't deserve a penis
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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