It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
