this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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