I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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