He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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