when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
