Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
