You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
