So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
