I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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