a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
