apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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