It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
