Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
